and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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