...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
