i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
