dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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