I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize