I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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