Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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