Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
