I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
