Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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