I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize