So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
