All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
