grandma shit on top of the toilet
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
