I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
