she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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