the condom got lost in my hair
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
