Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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