If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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