So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
