I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
