I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
