sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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