Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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