I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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