apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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