tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
