Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
