i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
