She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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