just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
