I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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