I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
