Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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