We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
