In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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