I never want to see another naked old woman again.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
