guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
