one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
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