Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
