Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
