Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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