Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Still dying that you shit outside
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize