I'm drive I can fine osifer
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
