chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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