If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
