Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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