my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
