I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize