his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize