when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
