I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
