we're blogging at a bar
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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