mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
