Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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