After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
