i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Pooping to opera.
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