i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Everyone says I win the strip club
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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