Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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