why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
